All Hail The Goblin King
Fantasy -- About 4,700 Words
The sun chased the ground as Cowboy Goblin tied the reins of his donkey to the post outside of Trash Heap, the finest restaurant in the city. Having once been visited by Goblin Ramsey, it was the talk of all Gobtropolis. He looked around to make sure the coast was clear. No one there. Perfect.
In his pocket, he found the two spells: a rat and a crow. Once released, the purple wings flapped above Cowboy Goblin’s head. On the ground below, the rat skittered in a circle. With a caw, the crow dive-bombed the brown ball of fur. The rat nearly dodged the fell swoop, though at the last second the crow grabbed a hold of its tail. The worm-like thing tore right off of the rat. The crow closed its eyes to laugh with victory before swallowing its dinner, affording the rat an opportunity to leap up and grab the bird. It punched the eye of its adversary, snatching its tail out of the beak.
“Y’all, quit it now,” Cowboy Goblin hissed. The critters looked at their master, disappointed with their own behavior. “Just go get the trash. I’ll meet you in the alley after I eat.”
The critters nodded at Cowboy Goblin. The cowboy turned to enter the restaurant, and once the door was completely closed behind him, the rat made an obscene gesture at the crow. This wouldn’t have bothered the bird so much if it weren’t for the fact that it had no hands to return the gesture with. The rat knew this, and would often make up new gestures to taunt the bird.
Cowboy Goblin squinted at the tables past the Host Goblin’s stand. Most were filled, though he did notice an empty seat at the bar.
“Dining alone, Cowboy?” Host Goblin said.
“I’ll just take a seat at the bar,” Cowboy Goblin said.
Host Goblin raised an eyebrow. “Alone?” He smirked, a slight nod pointing to a table in the corner. There, Big Goblin shared a plate of macaroni with Delivery Goblin. A grimace took over Cowboy Goblin’s face - he couldn’t help himself. It had only been two weeks, and Big Goblin was already putting himself out there. The two had planned a perfect gift for the festival. Now, Cowboy Goblin had to scramble to come up with something for the Goblin King.
“Yep,” Cowboy Goblin drawled.
“Right this way,” Host Goblin stuck his chin up, leading Cowboy Goblin through the restaurant as if he had to be leashed in order to keep him away from the other guests. Cowboy Goblin squinted at the pair in the corner. They noticed him, putting their hands over their mouths and snickering. “This is their second date - at Trash Heap, that is.”
So, Big Goblin could afford to take someone to Trash Heap twice in one pay period as long as it wasn’t him. Great.
Cowboy Goblin didn’t say anything. He just followed the host to that stool at the bar. When he sat, he let the brim of his stetson cover his eyes.
“What are you having?” Bartender Goblin asked.
“Something hard on the rocks,” Cowboy Goblin said.
“Rocks are hard,” Bartender Goblin said. “You want a rock stacked on another rock?”
“Sure,” Cowboy Goblin gritted his teeth.
Bartender Goblin shrugged. It wasn’t the strangest request she’d heard all night. She reached into the pile of rocks and placed two into a glass. It landed on the mahogany bar with the sound of rolling thunder.
“Five coins,” she said.
Cowboy Goblin’s hat almost flew off. “Five?”
“Those rocks are valuable,” Bartender Goblin said. “Think of what I could make for the Goblin King with those rocks. I could stick those two rocks together with some wax.” Bartender Goblin put her hand on her chin. Her eyes widened at the thought and she said to herself, “Now that would be something.” She reached a not-so-sly hand down to the pile of rocks beside her. “You got any wax?”
“All I got’s a bottle, some string, and a rock,” he said.
“Now you got three rocks. You could make a pile of rocks with that. Speaking of...” she drummed her fingers on the table.
Cowboy Goblin looked dead in the eyes of the server. “Tell you what: you pour some whiskey onto these rocks and I won’t tell Chef Goblin that you’re skimming from the bar. Sound like a deal?”
“Yeesh,” Bartender Goblin said. She pulled a bottle from the bottom shelf and filled the glass.
Cowboy Goblin sighed. The points of his ears folded toward the floor as his head sank. Whiskey would be a great cure for the pangs bouncing between the chambers of his heart, he just needed a moment before he could lift the glass to his lips. Big Goblin had already gone on two dates since they broke up. Was he seeing her the whole time they were together? Maybe Cowboy Goblin never really meant that much to him in the first place. Who could say?
The cheap whiskey slid down Cowboy Goblin’s tongue like nails as he thought about the day they met. It was right before last year’s festival. Come to think of it, today would have been their anniversary. Almost a year - now, that was hard to fathom. He’d never been in a relationship before Big Goblin that lasted longer than three months - though how they met surely had something to do with the longevity of their relationship. From the start, there was nothing to hide.
“Excuse me, sir,” Waiter Goblin broke through the cloud of memories forming over his head. “Compliments of the couple in the booth.”
Waiter Goblin set a plate down beside Cowboy Goblin’s glass. A black bean burger with coleslaw and barbecue sauce, fries, and a dipping cup of ketchup. The toothpick was even on the side instead of through the burger - it was perfect. He hadn’t even gotten a chance to look at the menu, but this probably would have been the exact thing he ordered. He couldn’t stand the thought of eating an animal. Everything on the plate was as vegetarian as his own cabinets. Not every restaurant had options like that.
Cowboy Goblin looked to where the waiter gestured. Big Goblin sat, raising his glass. His new girlfriend was conveniently missing.
Cowboy Goblin frowned. His face had always been his weakness, it’s why he didn’t play poker. No matter what he was feeling, it came out one way or another.
“Something wrong?” Waiter Goblin asked?
Cowboy Goblin turned to his meal. “It’s fine.”
What did this mean? Was it poisoned or something? Big Goblin couldn’t have known that his date would be away from the table when the order came - or maybe he could. Maybe they just knew each other that well. It didn’t matter why he sent the meal. It was free, and the less coins he spent the better. Most of his savings was going into this job. Eating a meal would make him look like he belonged here.
Even if he had spent the money, it would be worth it. Chef Goblin had to have the most valuable trash in all of Gobtropolis - he even kept a lock on the dumpster. If he could get into the garbage and just use a little bit of his wits to make a gift, then the Goblin King’s prize would be his ticket to paradise. No more fancy business goblins looking down their noses at him in their fast cars. He’d have the Goblin King’s stamp of approval and prize money to go with it. Finally, he wouldn’t have to fight for his meals. He could come here every night, laughing at anyone who snickered at him from the corner. Just a few months ago, he never would have imagined eating here. Now, eating at Trash Heap, getting a drink and a meal for free: this was probably the luckiest night of his life.
It didn’t feel that way, though. It hadn’t since he walked in the door.
After finishing his black bean burger, Cowboy Goblin waited for the check. A place as fancy as this shouldn’t keep a Goblin waiting. They could afford to, he guessed.
Chef Goblin came from the double swinging doors and approached the lone diner. “Well, what did you think?”
“It was all fantastic,” Cowboy Goblin said. “Only problem is I’ve been waiting for the check for ages. There’s plenty of people waiting at the host stand, I don’t understand why they haven’t freed up this seat.”
“Well, I’m told your drink and meal were paid for,” Chef Goblin said. “Though, I am glad you waited.”
Cowboy Goblin’s cheeks heated up. He’d rehearsed the job so many times he hadn’t accounted for there being no check. “Oh, why’s that?”
“I was wondering,” Chef Goblin pulled the rat and the crow from his apron, “if you could tell me why these two spells had been cast on me?” The critters writhed in his hands. Cowboy Goblin swallowed a stone of spit. Two hands took his arms and bent the elbows behind his back. “Please, follow me,” Chef Goblin said. The goblins restraining Cowboy Goblin pushed him forward.
***
Cowboy Goblin struggled against the rope binding him to the chair.
“It’s no use,” Chef Goblin paced around the dry storage. “Even if you broke free, you’d never escape fast enough. We’ve taken the shoes off your horse.”
Chef Goblin snapped his fingers. Security Goblin 1 reached into his jacket and took out four donkey sized sneakers, tossing them onto the floor in front of Cowboy Goblin. They were ruined, slashed through on all sides.
“He’s a donkey,” Cowboy Goblin growled, “and you have no clue what those cost.”
“Less than what you paid for dinner, I’m sure,” Chef Goblin smirked.
“I’ll kill you!” Cowboy Goblin gnashed, jumping left and right in the chair he was tied to. Security Goblin 1 and Security Goblin 2 clamped large hands over his shoulders. No matter how hard he struggled, Cowboy Goblin couldn’t move anymore.
“Wax, powder, and now the bottle that we lifted off of you,” Chef Goblin said. “It’s funny, I was going to present another macaroni painting at the festival, but once I saw that bottle - well, inspiration struck. I really am grateful, I couldn’t have done this without you. But, you were trying to steal my trash, and I do need to test the gift before I give it to the Goblin King. Tell me, do you think he’ll like my” Chef Goblin reached into his pocket and pointed at the cowboy with his “gun?”
Cowboy Goblin craned his neck away. It was all that he could do to avoid the barrel of the makeshift pistol threatening him. Security Goblin 2 knocked his Stetson off, giving chef Goblin a clear target between his adversary’s pointed ears.
“Wait,” Cowboy Goblin screamed. “I can help you get a better gift.”
Chef Goblin lifted his eyebrows. “I caught your rat and crow trying to steal my trash. How could you possibly have something better than my gun?”
“That gun’s certainly scary and all,” Cowboy Goblin drawled, “but think about all of the business goblins and their plans. One of them wins every year, usually with some presentation on stocks or whatever, but I’m willing to think bigger. What if we could get the wizard?”
Chef Goblin eyed his security. They released their hostage’s shoulders as Chef Goblin put his gun into the pocket of his apron. “The wizard?”
“Think about it,” Cowboy Goblin said. “He comes every week, high and mighty in his massive, blue truck. He saunters up in his condescending jumpsuit and takes all of our trash. I mean, you have locks on your dumpster, and he still manages to take yours. If we gave him to the Goblin King, well there’d be limitless trash for everyone. We wouldn’t have to hide bits of our garbage all year just to build something for the king. We could just take it as we please, make as many gifts as we want.”
Chef Goblin scratched behind his massive, floppy ears. “Right. And, why didn’t you capture the wizard instead of stealing from me?”
“Well, I was going to,” Cowboy Goblin looked away. Metal shelves lined the wall, each stacked with boxes of macaroni, rat teeth, and rocks. “But then my partner decided not to help. With your security guards, though, we’re sure to get the job done.”
“Ah, the breakup.”
Cowboy Goblin sighed. His head went down, but there was no Stetson to hide his eyes becoming glass. All he could do was close them. “Yeah, the breakup.”
“And, why don’t I just kill you and capture the wizard myself?” Chef Goblin said. “I mean, I have double the manpower you did when you first concocted this plan.”
Cowboy Goblin shrugged. “Kill me, then. If you really wanna.”
Chef Goblin’s eyebrows came together. He looked at each security goblin before his hands started trembling. “Well, you know,” he stammered, “I’m Chef Goblin, not Mob-Boss Goblin. I was never actually going to kill you.”
“What?” Cowboy Goblin yelled. “What was with all of those threats, then? Why’d I let you in on my plan?”
“For a time in high school, I thought I would be ‘Actor Goblin.’ It was nice to relive that dream.”
“Is that gun even real?” Cowboy Goblin squinted.
Chef Goblin shook his head. “I also thought I might be ‘Prop-Making Goblin.’”
***
The two goblins had waited through the dark hours of the morning crouched in a bush. Across from them, the dumpster sat without its lock. As they waited, Chef Goblin twirled the lock around his finger, fighting the urge to whistle. Cowboy Goblin didn’t notice.
The scene reminded him of the first time he saw Big Goblin. It was a scenario quite like this one, except Cowboy Goblin’s last partner had been arrested. The score was too big, though. He had to try to get it alone. Across the road, he spotted Big Goblin trying to hide in the tree, but his size made him too noticeable. Part of him thought that shooting Big Goblin would be the right move, make sure there were no unknowns to ruin the job. Listening to the other part and talking to Big Goblin - he once thought that was the best choice he had ever made. Now, it felt like a mistake.
“You sure this’ll work?” Chef Goblin said. “I mean, the wizard’s got all sorts of spells. Not just animals that he pretends are spells - I once saw him throw a fireball.”
“It’ll work,” Cowboy Goblin whispered. “Just stay silent and stick to the plan.”
Beeping filled the air. Hydraulics pumped and dumpster lids crashed against one another down the street. The two goblins nodded and whistled. Cowboy Goblin took the rat and crow out of his pocket. “Now you two behave, or I’m getting rid of you.”
The critters nodded, though not without side-eyeing each other.
The truck came to a stop in front of the dumpster. Its large, mechanical arms reached into the sides, lifting the massive thing into the trash pile it carried. As the garbage fell in, the crow slammed itself into the windshield. The wizard inside groaned, but didn’t step out. With a wave of his hand, the crow was tossed off of the truck.
Chef Goblin’s eyes bulged. He twisted his hat in his hands, and started to chew on the puffy part. “If this doesn’t work. . .” he trailed off.
“Wait for it,” Cowboy Goblin said.
Before the truck could set the dumpster down, the rat chewed through exposed wires at the bottom of the mechanical behemoth. Cowboy Goblin spotted an orange light illuminate the wizard’s face inside the cabin. “Ugh,” the wizard sighed. He stepped out to take a look at the issue.
The hood of the truck lifted. The wizard dove into it, frustrated at whatever new issue had just popped up for him. From the shadows, Security Goblins 1 and 2 snuck up on the wizard. One hit him over the head, knocking him unconscious. The other took rope and tied him up, even gagging him in case he might say the name of a spell.
“Yee-Haw,” Cowboy Goblin shouted. He tossed his hat in the air and shook Chef Goblin. “I haven’t seen a plan go so well in ages.”
Chef Goblin released a deep breath. “Yeah, I didn’t think it would work, to be honest.”
Cowboy Goblin ran up to the garbage truck. He scanned it for any magical traps. When he didn’t find any, he flipped the switch on the side of the truck and let the bed ramp up. Trash bag upon trash bag slid out, piling into a mountain. The smell was glorious, like victory and opportunity. With a deep whiff of the odor, Cowboy Goblin tried to remember the last job he’d pulled this successfully. He closed his eyes and realized it was that day that he met Big Goblin, a memory which used to feel so sweet but now soured the whole thing.
***
The festival was packed with Goblins from all around the city. Business Goblins organized presentations on their revenue, the Rad Draglin practiced a trick he had come up with, and the Relaxing Froglin slept - likely trying to finalize a dream to tell the Goblin King all about.
Cowboy Goblin surveyed the whole area. It was rare that a goblin partnered up with another goblin to compete, but this would be his second year going duo. He didn’t see any other pairs, but they had also arrived early. Every minute, more and more goblins piled into the stadium where the event was held.
Chef Goblin stood behind him, arms crossed as he examined the blankets covering gifts. He tried to parse out what each one was. Some were massive and others quite small, wrapped in discarded paper that was meant to be torn up and thrown away. Then, of course, the thrown away paper would be taken by some other goblin to wrap up a gift for next year’s festival, and the beautiful cycle would continue without disturbance now that they had captured the wizard.
Cowboy Goblin saw one entrance fill up with Big Goblin’s unmistakable figure, and next to him was Delivery Goblin with their gift perfectly packaged in a box. A sharp breath left Cowboy Goblin’s nostrils.
“You sure they’re gonna bring the truck on time?” He said to Chef Goblin.
“They’re Security Goblins 1 and 2, not 43 and 44. Of course they’ll be on time,” Chef Goblin said.
“You pay enough to trust ‘em, huh?”
“It’s not about pay,” Chef Goblin scoffed. “I’ve never known them to botch a job before - well, not so bad that I couldn’t rely on them anymore. They’re good goblins.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” Cowboy Goblin stared at Big Goblin’s gift.
“You ever think this paranoid attitude is what caused him to leave you in the first place?” Chef Goblin said.
Cowboy Goblin didn’t say anything in return. He bowed his head, allowing the Stetson to hide his eyes.
Horns blared a royal song. Announcer Goblin came on stage to say, “Gobbos and Goblins, Rad Draglins and Relaxing Froglins, thank you for joining us for the fiftieth festival of gifts. Without further ado, all hail the Goblin King!”
The crowd erupted into cheers. Up on stage, The Goblin King appeared with a blindfold on. “What’s going on, what’s happening?” He said. He was led to the center of the stage by Announcer Goblin before he took the blindfold off. When The Goblin King saw the massive crowd, he lifted his hands to cover his smile. “Ohh, you guys. You didn’t have to do this.”
“We do it every year,” Announcer Goblin said.
“But you didn’t have to,” The Goblin King giggled.
The festival featured many amazing gifts. Some were performances, others technological innovations sure to increase the quality of life for all of Gobtropolis, while many of them simply looked neat. As one of the Business Goblins rattled on in front of the fifth poster board graph the Goblin King had seen, Chef Goblin tapped on Cowboy Goblin’s shoulder.
“What do you think is going on over there?” Some feet away, Shakespeare Goblin was bawling, his hands rubbing his eyes.
“Probably just a rehearsal,” Cowboy Goblin said.
“No, that’s Shakespeare Goblin. He directs and writes, but he doesn’t act.” Chef Goblin stepped forward. Cowboy Goblin grabbed his arm.
“You’re not about to go check on him, are you? The truck still hasn’t come yet.”
“What’s the worst that can happen?” Chef Goblin said, and shook his arm free from Cowboy Goblin.
Cowboy Goblin looked around the crowd and saw Big Goblin still standing right beside Delivery Goblin. If they saw that his partner was abandoning him, they might think that their gift was weak. That might lead to rumors, and everyone knew that there was a lot of politics behind the festival. He couldn’t risk his image, so he decided to follow Chef Goblin.
“What’s wrong?” Chef Goblin asked his idol.
“O’, it is simply horrible,” Shakespeare Goblin sobbed. “Someone told my favorite actor to break a leg, and the guy actually did. Now, there is no one to perform my soliloquy for the king.”
“I’ll do it,” Chef Goblin said. “Give me the script.”
“What are you doing?” Cowboy Goblin asked.
“I can multi-gift,” Chef Goblin said.
Before Cowboy Goblin could respond, Shakespeare Goblin pushed him aside. “That is simply marvelous, but my soliloquy is up next.”
“Then stop talking and give me the script,” Chef Goblin nodded.
Cowboy Goblin crossed his arms and looked down. There was no truck, and now he was being abandoned by his partner for the second time since this gift was conceived. He couldn’t believe it. Maybe he just wasn’t meant to thrive in Gobtropolis. Maybe some goblins are cursed to never succeed no matter how hard they try, to always be the goblin that they started out as.
When the business presentation ended, Shakespeare Goblin approached the stage to introduce the piece he had written, what inspired it, and why he thought the Goblin King would enjoy it. The spotlight flashed on Chef Goblin. He hadn’t had much time to perform, but he didn’t need it. It wasn’t a lack of skill or talent that prevented him from becoming Actor Goblin, it was just a lack of opportunity. He performed the piece without forgetting a single word. The rhythm was sublime. Everyone in the audience laughed, cried, and - when the performance was over - cheered. The crowd was louder than they had even gotten for the beginning of the festival. Florist Goblin tossed roses at the new star.
As the festival continued, Chef Goblin was the talk on everyone’s tongue. They were all surprised to hear that he was multi-gifting, and with duos no less. Lines formed to get macaroni noodles signed.
“I still don’t see the truck,” Cowboy Goblin hissed.
“Relax,” Chef Goblin said. “Who needs the truck?”
“I do! I won’t have a gift if they don’t arrive on time,” Cowboy Goblin said.
“Well, after my performance, it’s not like there’s a chance you’ll win anyway.”
Something in Cowboy Goblin snapped. Red flashed across his vision. He had decided long ago after a stint in jail that public brawls just weren’t his style. If he ever wanted revenge, he told himself that he would get it when there were no witnesses. It was almost as if he wasn’t the one throwing the punch at Chef Goblin - at the same time, it was all he wanted to do.
The crowd circled around the two. Chef Goblin cowered on his knees as the cowboy pummeled him. Over and over again his fists landed on who he thought was his new ally. Murmurs and gasps fluttered across the crowd, but no one stepped in.
Boom! The back wall of the stadium crashed down. Goblins ran away from the debris, dust rolling out from underneath crumbling bricks. Cowboy Goblin turned to look, Chef Goblin’s apron still in his hand. It was the garbage truck, but Security Goblins 1 and 2 weren’t driving. Behind the wheel was the rat and the crow.
“I knew I could count on you guys,” Cowboy Goblin smiled.
The rat and the crow tried to explain that the wizard had used magic to break free and subdue the Security Goblins, leaving it to the two critters to set aside their differences and put their heads together in order to stop the fiend. After they finally beat and restrained the wizard, they threw him in the truck and sped off. They pushed the garbage truck as fast as it could go, and realized that constant fighting could only keep them apart. Cowboy Goblin was important to both of them, and they had to make sure that the truck and the wizard got here on time in order to ensure that Cowboy Goblin knew they were always in his corner. It brought them together, that one similarity. It was a journey neither of them would forget.
Being that they were animals, no one understood them.
Cowboy Goblin reached into the cabin of the dump truck, and took out the wizard. He was bound and gagged, black and blue. The cowboy rushed up to the stage, interrupting Bartender Goblin as she presented her two rocks stuck together with wax. The wizard thudded onto the stage, groaning in pain.
“I present my gift to you, Goblin King,” Cowboy Goblin said. “No longer will we have to worry about the pesky wizard stealing our trash and destroying it. We, along with our garbage, are finally liberated!”
The crowed stared in silence up at the scene on stage. To complete the effect, Cowboy Goblin had set one of his spurred boots on top of the wizard.
“Oh, my,” The Goblin King gasped. “This is really messed up.”
Cowboy Goblin’s ears folded. “What?”
“I mean, this guy looks like he’s been tortured,” The Goblin King said. “His breathing is all shallow. Do you realize that the wizard is a living being? Does life mean nothing to you?”
Boos and jeers exploded from the crowd. Eggs and apple cores flew through the air and hit Cowboy Goblin. He stared at all of Gobtropolis gathered here, looking at him like a menace. Then, a hearty laugh busted through the noise.
It was Big Goblin. To make matters worse, he was clapping.
Big Goblin’s massive hands pushed everyone aside as he made his way up to the stage. He hopped on. Cowboy Goblin couldn’t guess what he was going to say, but he knew it would hurt.
That massive, gentle hand that had caressed him so much in the past landed on Cowboy Goblin’s back. Big Goblin said, “I can’t believe you actually went through with it.”
Cowboy Goblin tilted his head to hide his eyes.
“I also can’t believe no one here appreciates it,” Big Goblin said.
“Huh?” Cowboy Goblin said.
“Endless trash for everyone. How is that not a great gift?” Big Goblin said. “I thought you’d come up with something else - this is way better than what my cousin and I brought.”
“Delivery Goblin is your cousin?” Cowboy Goblin asked.
“Yeah, she’s been supporting me through the breakup,” Big Goblin said. “She wants me to turn my back on crime, though. Kind of sucks.”
“You two aren’t dating, then?”
“Gross.”
Cowboy Goblin looked up into the dreamy eyes of the goblin he loved most. “Then why did we split?”
“I guess I thought you weren’t trusting enough. You never invited anyone you knew to do any jobs with us, and you always expect people to let you down,” Big Goblin chuckled. “I know you needed help to get the wizard, so you must have made a friend, right?”
Cowboy Goblin nodded.
“I must have misjudged you.” Big Goblin knelt down. “How about you hop on my shoulders and we find a place where they appreciate endless trash forever - a place just for us.”
Cowboy Goblin smiled and climbed onto Big Goblin’s back. No one dared to stop the ruffians. The two rode off into the sunset with the rat and the crow. If they lived happily ever after, no one knows. They were never seen in Gobtropolis again.
Hey, thanks for sticking around after the story. Instead of asking you to subscribe or anything, I wanted to tell you about something that means a lot to me. One of my best friends, Jacob LeBouff made his own card game, and I genuinely think it’s the most fun I’ve had with any deck. The worldbuilding for that game is where this story comes from. He’s crowdfunding it, and the Kickstarter launches TODAY! If fun party games and little goblins are your thing, check it out here. If you’d like to find out more about the game, click here.
Are you a little goblin?