Drunken Stup(id)or
Humor/Metafiction -- About 2,000 Words
No one seemed to be having a better time at Nelson’s party than Taylor, which really irked everyone. He’d had more than a few (about two beers and seven shots - two of Jameson, One of rum, a double of something called “apple sauce,” and two tequila shots), and they were working through his system like a worm through dirt. He’d come almost exclusively to talk to Alice which was a bit obvious to anyone who cared enough to leer over his way, and since care doesn’t always sprout from a considerate root, everyone had.
I don’t want to tell you how Taylor looked. The poor bastard’s got plenty of it in for him tonight, and he certainly doesn’t need an honest look in the mirror from me. If you have a friend who is always longing for greater things and spouting nonsense about how much he could do or be or make if only he could find the time - but just can’t between work and all of the bullshit he uses to distract himself from the monotony of normal life - imagine him but less modest.
Alice was a metalhead. She had four piercings in her right ear alone, six visible tattoos, an assortment of rings guarding her fingers, three chokers, and a shaved head to compliment the spiked leather jacket draped over a shirt that said ‘FUCK YOU’ in the Jokerman font. All this to say that Taylor just couldn’t help but crush on her.
“I just don’t really think the moon is real,” Alice sermonized with a playful smile before puffing cigarette smoke into Taylor’s face.
At least, that’s what Taylor thought Alice sermonized. Between the incredible volume of alcohol poisoning, Taylor’s already dull witted mind, and his poor listening skills; Taylor either didn’t hear what Alice said or just couldn’t retain the memory of her making that sentence. Either way, he recalled a couple of keywords and, knowing her, could assume the point that she was trying to get at. Not that it mattered. His response was the same it would have been either way: nodding and agreeing.
“It’s like, if the moon had always been there, why don’t they have a real answer about where it came from,” Taylor could swear Alice continued, “It just doesn’t make sense to me.”
“Yeah, who nees the moon anyway? And whass it with the tides? The moon can pull water up? Why cand it pull me up?” Taylor flicked his head and smiled.
“I actually know why! The moon doesn’t pull the water up. It pushes Earth from the sides, popping the water up like a pimple.”
“Ithughudindbleveinmoon?”
Alice’s eyes rolled. She exhaled and looked to a far corner of the room where she spotted someone she would much rather talk to. She pointed to the opposite side of the room. “Hey, why don’t you go over there?”
“Ogay!” Taylor lit up and, without thinking, waddled over to the far side, smiling. Without paying attention, Alice flicked her cigarette onto a nearby cat. Thankfully, the cat was nipped out and didn't notice. It just batted at the air.
Taylor passed Nelson crying in the arms of Richard, Taylor’s brother. He paused for a moment and stared at the pair, mouth agape, waiting for the right words to come to him. All he said was “Sssssaad?”
“Ugh, I’m sorry,” Richard whispered to Nelson, “I’ll be right back.”
Richard stood up. He put a large, warm arm around his swaying brother. “Let’s go have a talk.”
“Mhmmm!” Taylor responded, looking down to find that he was already walking in Richard’s guidance toward the exit.
Richard opened the front door, and the two brothers stepped away from the party to find themselves outside in the walkway. Taylor could swear Richard looked like an angel in the yellow porchlight. “Hey, you loog amazing,” he drooled.
“Yeah, thanks,” Richard said. “Hey, you know no one actually likes you, right?”
Taylor’s face said “what” for his inoperable mouth.
“They don’t want to be rude, but you’re kind of fucking weird. Like, you’re a fucking freak, man.” Richard chortled.
“How so?”
“Come on. You’re always saying stupid things, you get way too drunk at any party you go to, and you can’t help but make a fool of yourself anywhere you go. And, you say such stupid things! And the way you act around Alice, man, that’s just embarrassing. She knows you like her. Everyone can tell! She doesn’t like you back. And, the things you say are just so stupid.”
“W… Well, why hasn she said somethin if she knows?”
“She has too much fun messing with you. Besides, she’s a girl. Girls don’t talk like that.”
Taylor craned his neck forward and squinted. “Dond y' think thass a lil bit seggsits?”
“No, Taylor” Richard pointed at his brother, “I think you’re sexist.”
Richard turned around and went back to party his heart out. Taylor sunk his head and considered going back in to ask if it was a prank, but somehow leaving felt like a better idea. He considered driving away, but knew that if he got arrested for killing a kid with his car because he decided to drive drunk then people would like him even less.
Since Taylor and Richard’s place was two towns over, he decided to walk to his best friend Bethany’s pad. It wasn’t too far, and he knew she’d let him sleep there if he really needed to. There weren’t any lights on the path, though. The shadows crept up around him as he walked. If he’d done any drugs that night, he thought he'd see chains attached to his ankles; however, getting drunk was more fun than drugs, which is one of the few things Taylor and I agree about even though you’re not supposed to say that.
A brown leaf leapt out at Taylor, carried by the freezing wind. He hadn’t realized how cold it was, especially since he’d left his jacket at Nelson’s. He shivered. “I cand waid till I get to warm up at Beth’s,” he said to the dark.
Taylor finally arrived at Beth’s and knocked on the door. All the lights were off. He’d always told Beth she needed to get curtains, but appreciated their absence now. They told him he needed to be loud.
“BETANY!” He shouted through suppressed sobs as he pounded at the door. Lights flicked on in the bedroom. Then the living room. Finally, the door creaked open.
“You okay?” Bethany’s voice always comforted Taylor.
“No. Can I crash?”
Beth blinked her droopy eyes before opening the door to invite Taylor in. “It’s midnight. I have work tomorrow.”
“I know. I’m juss drunk. I couldn drive home.”
“Okay.” Beth could hear Taylor sticking his chin to his chest as he crossed his arms. “What’s wrong?”
“D’you like me, Beth?”
Beth tilted her head. “Of course I like you,” she answered in a voice that you or I might find suspicious considering it registered falsetto compared to Beth’s typical alto. Taylor was either too drunk or too stupid to notice.
“Richard said no one likes me. Said they're all lyin.”
“Oh my god,” Beth exhaled, slumping her shoulders, “Someone finally told you!”
“Wha…?” Taylor pushed out.
Beth sighed. “You’re just so annoying, Taylor! And needy! And, all you do is whine. I mean, what’s wrong with you? Seriously, what is wrong with you? All you talk about is stupid stuff that no one has read or watched and these fantasies you have of going out and doing something. We all wish you would! You’d be happier, and we would be too.”
Taylor stood for a full minute and three seconds, not sure if he was thinking any real thoughts. “Think I’ll go.”
“Please do.”
Taylor stepped out of the apartment, Beth slamming the door behind him and shutting off the lights in less than a second. The only thing he wanted to see was his bed.
It took him twenty minutes to find the main road, a walk that would usually only expend about two minutes of my time, personally. He started walking backwards, thumb out, towards home. Of course, being that he was drunk, he stumbled and fell into the road just as two headlights peaked around a corner.
The car fought its brakes. Screeching pierced the air and it stopped a couple of inches from Taylor’s face. The man behind the wheel poked his head out of the window and shouted “Hey, what the fuck are you doing, man?”
“Tryna ged a ride home.” Taylor said, not knowing he said it.
The man shook his head. “Get in.”
Taylor flopped on the road for a moment, trying to remember the proper motor functions that would allow a man to pick himself up off of the ground. The man got out of his car and yanked him up by the arm, shoving him into the passenger seat while muttering to himself about the increasing homelessness issue. “Where you going?” The man asked Taylor.
“Oberbille. Had road.”
“Right.” The car took off. Taylor slumped down in the passenger seat, leaning his head against the window. “Come on kid, what’s the matter with you? You’re getting my window all dirty with your head sweat. And put your seatbelt on, what’s the matter with you? I tell you what, you better not be homeless, that’s the last thing I need, you’re not staying with me, you know, I won’t let you. I’ve got kids. And, don’t get any ideas off that either, you couldn’t kill me if you tried, you’re drunk. I could kill you, though, I’m an ex seal, special forces, I’ve seen the kind of things you used to shit your little diapers over when mommy wouldn’t hug you tight enough, you know what I’m saying?” The man pulled a flask from his pocket and took a swig, “What are you drinking anyway?”
“Algohol,” Taylor answered as sincere as Jesus preached.
“Alcohol? What’s the matter with you, you think you’re funny, I bet you drank a whole bottle, huh, you little drunk, you smell like it,” the man parried without pause. “What the hell’s wrong with you anyway, you’re so quiet. You got nothing to say, huh, or are you just too stupid? What’s on your mind?”
Taylor rolled his neck back. “Evrone hates me.”
“Jesus, have some respect. The first thing out of your mouth and you’re complaining. Now that’s what’s wrong with kids: everything is always a problem. How old are you anyway, nineteen, eighteen, fifteen? I bet you’re living with your parents, huh? You think they’d care if I killed you? Hitch hiking’s dangerous business, son, you oughta know. Especially so if you’re drunk, I could take you out with one fist, drive to Oklahoma, dump your body in a river, kid. No one would ever know, and I could just do that to you and no one could stop me. Your parents probably wouldn’t even begin to know where to look, that’s how you hide a body. You know how far a drive that would be? Eight hours from here, no one would find you. You’re lucky I’m not a killer.”
The lunatic had finally pulled up to Had road. Several apartments sat beside each other, block by block. Taylor got out, and leaned into the window to thank his driver. The crazy man hadn’t noticed and sped away, punching him with the window frame.
Taylor wobbled and hobbled back to his apartment, fumbling with the keys in the lock. He tossed the door open. Like gelatin, he fell in, pushing the door shut behind him. He trotted to his bed, falling down on top.
Before sleeping, Taylor made a mistake. He pulled out his phone and, in desperation, called Alice. He was surprised she picked up.
“Hello?” There was a lot of noise on the other end, but Taylor was sure he heard that word.
“Alice, do you like me?”
The crescendo of Alice's cackle echoed through the dark room. After the laugh faded into a sigh, she muttered “You’re pathetic.”
Taylor waited for more words, but found none. He hung up, and tossed his phone across the room. He rolled over in his bed. He fell asleep wishing he wouldn’t wake up, and - considering the story ends here - I guess he never will.