Smoke Break And A Cave

Genre: Hybrid -- About 1,300 Words

Sitting outside of a cave, so little light flowing into it that you might think dark is flowing out of it, a bum sits on a mossy rock. There is an apple pipe in his hand. Winter is just starting, and this apple had shocked the bum when he first saw it. Weeks had passed since he’d last seen an apple fresh for the picking off a green tree, and the green color of a tree was a miracle in itself. The bum hadn’t eaten that morning and it was a quarter to one, however he hadn’t smoked either and his pipe had been stolen by a mischievous dog three days ago. Besides, he can probably just eat the apple once he’s done smoking, right?

The clinking of trinkets packed not too carefully announces the approaching of a traveler. Whether this stranger is a traveler by trade or just casually giving it a try isn’t immediately clear to the bum who is just starting to light his second bowl.

BUM: Don’t go into that cave, man.

The traveler isn’t as close as the bum first thought. The traveler’s path is actually rather far from the bum and the cave, and there was a very slim chance that the traveler would have noticed either of them before the bum opened his mouth.

The traveler looks around.

TRAVELER (hollering): That cave over by you?

BUM: You see another cave around?

TRAVELER: No, it’s just that the cave is much closer to you than me. The word ‘that’ confused me as saying ‘this cave’ would have denoted the cave next to you much easier.

The traveler’s words swirl around the bum, being the only thing he can hear despite the traveler’s closed mouth. The traveler walks toward the bum as the words continue their vexing echo. If the bum can’t let go of the traveler’s words with his own focus, he decides he’ll employ the help of the pipe. He lights up, takes a drag. A cloud of smoke breaks free of him and a coughing fit seizes the bum. He waves the smoke away, offering the pipe to the traveler.

BUM (coughing): You want some?

The traveler shrugs, taking the apple from the bum. He takes a bite.

The bum snatches the apple from the traveler.

BUM (still coughing): What the fuck, man?

TRAVELER (chewing): From what god awful tree did you pick that thing?

BUM: Why am I the bad guy now? You’ve never seen an apple pipe before?

The bum suppresses his coughing fit for just long enough to take another hit, ensuring the apple is still viable to smoke with. It makes him cough even more.

TRAVELER: I’m afraid not.

BUM: I’m clearly smoking here. Did that go over your head?

TRAVELER: I apologize. I was rather mesmerized by the cave.

BUM: The cave?

TRAVELER: Well, yes. I’m wondering why I shouldn’t go into it.

The bum looks at the cave and back to the traveler.

BUM: Bad things, man. Bad things will happen.

The traveler leans in, exposing every pore by his proximity.

TRAVELER: Did you say ‘bad’ or ‘mad?’ 

BUM: Bad. B-A-D, bad.

TRAVELER: Mmm. What bad things?

The bum thinks for a moment. He blinks a couple of times and looks at the tree line surrounding them. It’s rather pretty, albeit primarily dead. Why must the pretty green trees die, he thinks. He looks back at the traveler whose eyes, he notices, look like ouroboros. He laughs.

BUM (laughing): What?

TRAVELER: What happens in the cave?

BUM: There’s just bad things in there.

TRAVELER: Like what?

The bum puts a contemplative hand on his chin.

BUM: Well, there’s this walrus with a snake for its dick, and it uses the snake to rape people.

TRAVELER: Oh my.

BUM: Yeah, so you better not go in there.

TRAVELER: Because of the walrus?

BUM: It’s not a walrus, really. I just said walrus because that’s what it looks like.

TRAVELER: And what do you call this walrus-like creature?

BUM: Um, the snake rapist.

TRAVELER: Sounds like it rapes snakes.

The bum rubs his eyes and shouts.

BUM: Dude, did you not hear a word I just told you?

The two share a pensive stare.

TRAVELER: You’re not very good at this, are you?

The last few minutes are already a blur. This is good stuff. The bum makes a note to remember the man who sold him this weed, then he immediately forgets that note.

BUM: At what?

TRAVELER: Keeping people out of caves.

Keeping people out of caves is such a simple idea of a task that the fact such a task exists never even crossed the mind of the bum. He has already forgotten that it’s what he’s been doing for the last five minutes, and he wasn’t even aware of the fact that he was keeping this traveler out of the cave while he was doing it. ‘Keeping people out of caves’ bounces off the walls inside his head, gaining momentum in order to build enough force to break out of the side of his skull. This is the only thing he can think about.

BUM: I’m fucking great at keeping people out of caves, man. You’re just bad at traveling. You want to go into every cave you see and that’s why there has to be people like me who keep people like you out of caves. This isn’t even my job, I just keep people out of caves because I’m really quite good at it and I’m good at it because I love to do it. This isn’t my job, man. I don’t get paid to do this. God put me here because someone has to keep people like you out of caves.

The bum’s arm continues flapping as if he is still talking. Then, he crosses his arms and stomps on the ground. The traveler stares at the cave and takes a short inhale.

TRAVELER: Then I must go into the cave.

The bum gasps, grapples his head, drags his hand down his face.

BUM: No.

The traveler steps toward the cave. The bum steps forward to intercept the traveler, but he stumbles. He drops his apple, the weed in it spilling out. The bum stoops down to salvage what he can of the weed from the grass around it, but he is far too high to be able to tell the difference between the two.

Some amount of time passes that the bum can’t tell at all. Minutes? Days? Who knows? He looks up and the traveler is gone. The bum gets on his feet, looks into the cave, even takes a step towards it as if it could help him see into the darkness. Nothing greets the bum except for void.

SNAP!

The traveler screams from within the cave. The bum yelps, overwhelmed by the sound.

TRAVELER: You have to come help me. I just broke my leg.

BUM: Did the snake rapist get you?

TRAVELER (hyperventilating): Stop being stupid and help me!

BUM: No way, dude. I told you not to go into the cave.

The traveler groans.

TRAVELER: Ah, I should have brought something to light my way. Look, I’m in awful shape. There’s no way I can possibly get out of here. I need you to come in here and help me.

BUM: What if you’re the snake rapist?

TRAVELER: What?

BUM: Yeah, dude. You’re the snake rapist! You killed that guy and stole his voice.

TRAVELER: Don’t be stupid, the snake rapist rapes people. It doesn’t kill them.

BUM: You didn’t even know about the snake rapist until I told you about it!

TRAVELER: Shut the fuck up about the snake rapist and help me!

The bum runs away, leaving the apple and most of his weed behind. Eventually, he finds the nearest civilization and tells them what happened, adding in a few embellishments as he does. Stories are told about that cave for generations, and for centuries it goes untouched. One day, 884 years later, Alford Dogwin (renowned caver and explorer) is the first person to touch the cave since the bum smoked in that spot. He proves once and for all that the snake rapist doesn’t exist. Unfortunately for him, he proves that the crab slasher does.